The Fear of Being Found Out

For most of my life, I carried a quiet belief that something was fundamentally wrong with me. Before we had language for neurodiversity and learning disabilities weren't as easy to identify, all I had was shame, comparison, and the feeling of being “found out”. What I didn’t know then was that the very thing I feared would one day become a doorway into authenticity, self-acceptance, and freedom.

All through school, it felt as if I had to hide a shameful secret, that I was defective, dumb, and unworthy. I tried my best to hide the fact that I was the worst at reading, writing, remembering, and paying attention. At school, there was a persistent underlying sense of shame and fear of being found out.

At some point, I became aware of the negative self talk. In my late teens, I made a conscious effort to say my negative self talk out loud, as a joke. This not only made me more aware of the self talk, it also brought the shame into the open, slowly releasing the secrets. Over time, this evolved into being brave enough to name my shortcomings. That eventually led to self acceptance, which eventually led to seeing the false stories and beliefs I had tied to my sense of self.

Through conditioning, comparison, misplaced shame, lack of self worth, and identifying with the beliefs and emotions, an entire complex had been created. It then all had to be dismantled in order to see through the illusion.

Today, I'll be singing in a group, even though I can't recall anyone ever giving me positive feedback about my ability to sing. I'll be reading complicated words that I’ll most likely trip over and never be able to memorize, and I'll be doing it in front of strangers. For the very first time, I’ll be doing this knowing that being the worst at all of it doesn't affect my worth. It doesn't make me defective. It means nothing about myself. It's just an experience and my expression within it is simply a little more unique than those who can read along, sing in tune, and remember the lyrics.

So today, I’m choosing to show up anyway. Imperfectly, awkwardly, uniquely. Not to prove or overcome anything. Just to live as myself. For the first time, it doesn't feel scary and doesn't even feel like overcoming an obstacle, it just feels like living!