A Wholeness Without Conditions

A couple of years ago I was in a relationship where, from the outside, it looked like everything was being fulfilled. The best restaurants several times a week. Great wine, nice clothes, vacations. The kind of attention and affection I had always wanted. The kind of life that should feel deeply satisfying.

Yet, I became painfully aware of a void inside myself. It seemed like the more luxury that was had, the more noticeable the void was. Eventually I was hit with the realization that no amount of money, attention, comfort, or luxury could fill what I was now aware of within myself. A hollow emptiness. A dissatisfaction with the lack of fullness any of this provided me with. It felt like a play, a play with no real depth.

Within a few months of this awareness, everything began to unravel. False beliefs, identities, unprocessed emotion, conditioning. The more was released, the more freedom was had. The more freedom was had, the more was revealed.

Eventually, so much armour and illusion fell away, what was left was kind of a nakedness. This nakedness feels like my true nature. It feels like home, peace, wholeness.

It doesn’t feel like something new was found. It feels more like something that was always here became unobstructed. The shedding didn’t create peace. It revealed what was always there.

Last night at a women’s circle, we were guided into a meditation where we imagined ourselves in the most relaxing place possible. As I imagined it, I noticed that it felt no different than my everyday life. My life as a solo mother of two teenagers, running a business, handling home repairs, not always sure how to manage it all financially. There was no inner shift. No contrast. None at all. I was already experiencing steady peace at a level that’s hard to put into words.

In that moment I realized there is no scenario outside of me that can outdo what has settled within.

Two days earlier, all of my crystal singing bowls shattered. I had grown attached to them. They were part of my work. I would often look at them with admiration, they felt special. When I saw every single one of them broken in a pile on the floor, I noticed that I was just as content without them as I had been with them. Nothing essential had been taken. I can’t afford to get new ones and somehow it’s ok.

For a long time I believed the right relationship, the right amount of money, or the right circumstances might create a sense of wholeness. I was chasing a feeling outside of myself. Nothing outside of us can save us from the places we avoid within ourselves.

Wholeness is revealed when we stop abandoning ourselves and remain with what’s here. True presence is the deepest peace I know and it can’t be taken. Nothing needs to be chased because it’s always here.